I decided when I started this blog that I wasn’t going to only post the good stuff, because life isn’t always good – and here’s some of the not-so-good. If you don’t want to hear about the not-so-good, stop reading now and wait for my next post about food or something. (Because food is a good part of life)
So, I worked my ass off on a supplementary assessment (reason for needing the supplementary assessment? Because I forgot that our assignment submission office closes an hour early on a Friday. So I didn’t get my assignment in on the day it was due. Ergo, automatic 0% for that)…
And I didn’t do well enough.
The mark I got on it doesn’t even matter – I didn’t get the ‘required’ mark to make it admissible as a supplementary assessment, therefore I fail the unit.
Which now means that I am 1 unit short of being able to graduate at the end of this year. The only units available this semester that I haven’t already done clash with my existing classes. They don’t offer summer classes in my degree. And now I don’t know what to do. Should I finish the units I’m doing now, then stuff the idea of finishing the degree and start the new one next year? Or do I hold off on starting the new degree for 6mths and redo the unit in Semester 1 next year?
I just want to move on with what I want to do. My current degree isn’t going to help me that much on my journey to medicine, so maybe I’m better off just starting the new degree next year. But at the same time, I’ve spent the last 5 years at uni, and it would be nice to have a piece of paper to show that I’ve actually achieved something in that time (rather than just racking up a heap of pointless debt).
And I’ve got an assignment due tomorrow that I’m trying to finish, and all I can think is “You stupid idiot, why did you think you could do this in the first place? Look, you failed. Clearly, you’re not cut out for this. Why are you even THINKING about medicine when you can’t even do a good job of a psych degree?”. That lovely psych degree means I can look at this as I write it and know exactly what maladaptive thought patterns this is demonstrating, and I know that it’s the anxiety and depression talking, but I just feel so USELESS that I’m not even sure if I can get out of this on my own. Which makes me feel even stupid-er (not a word, I know). But counselling is expensive and we just don’t have the money for me to be able to do that, and the uni counsellors are useless (been there, tried that).
If I tell Mum, she’ll be OK with it and just tell me to do what I have to and not make myself sick over it (too late). But Dad is another matter altogether. I don’t want to tell him I failed – he won’t say anything, but the look will say it all. I’m not sure whether he thinks I’m being a lazy idiot, or whether he thinks that I’d be better off in a different situation (i.e. he doesn’t think Hubby is ‘good enough’ for me – I guess that’s a Dad thing). Either way, I feel like I’ve failed him as well as myself. And I won’t even START on my in-laws. I’m pretty sure my MIL already thinks I’m an idiot who is shooting way higher than I’ll ever achieve. Because HER daughter raised 2 kids while in uni and topped her classes and yada yada yada. And I just can’t measure up to that.
GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT
So right now, I suck as a student, as a daughter, as a daughter-in-law, and as a wife. I’m physically, mentally and emotionally drained. And none of that really matters, because I’ve still got to get through it somehow. And I’m just over it all.
That was long. Sorry guys. Kudos to anyone who actually stuck that out all the way to the end – you’re a real trooper.